


I’ve Got You Under My Skin

by Nerderymisfit



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bella Swan is a great friend, Edward Cullen is Bad at Feelings, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Rehabilitation, mentions of cutting, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-11-08 17:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20839013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerderymisfit/pseuds/Nerderymisfit
Summary: I have journals from long ago and journals from more recent times. In my journals are things that I don't speak about to anyone. The scars that mark my body are for my eyes only and I'll be damned if I let others see them.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Raspberrydoll for all the incredible work with beta’ing my work!
> 
> This will have its bumps but I promise that it will get better.

My name is Edward Anthony Cullen.   
I am always alone.   
I do as I please and feelings of any kind be damned.

My father, Carlisle Cullen, is the saint patriarch of the family and he wears his crown very well.   
My mother, Esme Cullen, was the total opposite. She had left us when I was younger and I guess you can say that fucked me up. Not having a maternal figure really does do a number on a fragile soul. I know what Carlisle tells me but I also know _what _I feel.   
Whenever she was ready, she always came back and my father was only too eager to accept her once more.   
_Pathetic_.   
I have journals from long ago and journals from more recent times. In my journals are things that I don't speak about to anyone. No one has to know just how fucked up I am.   
I don't want pity.   
I don't want looks of sympathy.   
The scars that mark my body are for my eyes only and I'll be damned if I let others see them. 

"Son, it's time for dinner."

Heaving a sigh at the sound of his voice, I lower my sleeves and begrudgingly make my way down to the dining room. My mother, surprise-surprise, is nowhere in sight. Most nights she's never here which for me is fine. I really can't stand to look at her either way. 

"Is it just us?" I ask without glancing at Carlisle.

He sighs.

"Yes. I'm afraid that it is."

I shrug a little and begin eating so I'm able to go upstairs sooner rather than later.

* * *

The front door opens in the middle of the night and I sit up in bed listening.   
She's trying to be quiet but when you’re so fucking plastered there's no way of doing that. A table screeches across the floor. The sound of her purse hitting the tile kitchen floor with a loud thud echoes. And the unmistakable chuckle of a male floats throughout the still night air.   
  
_What the fuck?_

Grabbing the bat that I keep at my bedside, I creep out of bed and make my way down the stairs. 

"Shh. Don't wake them," she said giggling once I was within ear shot.

Enraged as I reach the bottom stair, I flip the lights on and bring the bat up.

"Edward!"

Without a word, I swing the bat and the man that was just so eagerly all over Esme is now running out the door.   
My father comes down the stairs and I look up at him. He looks stunned with sleep induced eyes and I can see that it’s taken him a minute to digest what’s just occurred.   
Still without a word, I go and grab her purse. 

"What are you doing?" She angrily says.

At that question, I look her way livid.

"What my father should have done a long fucking time ago."

I throw it out the door and hold the bat towards her at eye level.

"Get. The. Fuck. Out." I grit through my teeth.

She looks at Carlisle for support and he turns away walking back upstairs. I know I'm not going to hit her because I'm not that vile but I needed her to get the picture. She was no longer welcomed here. This was no longer her home.

"This sham of a marriage was going nowhere to be frank."

As she keeps talking out on the porch, I shut the door with a bang, lock it and attach the chain that's at the top. 

_Good fucking riddance._

* * *

The next day at school everything was going on as per usual. I avoided everyone and everything... That is until Isabella Swan caught sight of my arm. She didn't say anything but that same look that I've been able to avoid was set on her face. 

Emmett noticed her stare and I was quick to come up with a topic to talk about. Sports obviously seeing as that he was most definitely a jock.

_No way. _

_Not here. _

_Not now. _

As the final bell rings, I quickly grab my belongings and just as quickly make my exit. Isabella was calling out my name and I made as if I didn't hear.   
The hallway was busy enough.   
My phone rings incessantly while I walk home and I ignore it. 

_Nobody is here right now, please leave a message.   
_

When I finally have the comfort of being inside said home, I notice that inside, any thing that had once belonged to Esme is now gone.   
_  
Good fucking riddance._

I lock the door and retreat to my room. My phone rings again and I throw it on the bed. It chirps once more letting me know that I've got yet another voicemail. Isabella was always persistent and I knew that she would never drop this.   
Especially seeing what she saw.   
Just when I think I'm out of the woods, a knock comes at the front door. 

"I know you're in there, Edward!" 

I roll my eyes. Obviously.

"You can't ignore me."

I sure as hell am going to try.

"Please. Just open the door."

Quietly making the descent, I pad over to the door and open it just enough.

"What do you want, Isabella?"

She crosses her arms and I look at her expectantly for an answer. Without warning she pushes the door open and before I can react she's come inside and is now pushing the door closed with her back. She drops her book bag on the floor and just as I was catching my bearings, she reaches out and envelopes me in a hug. I stand there stunned.   
_What do I do?_   
I had become so adept to hiding my feelings that this felt so damn foreign to me. She doesn't let go and I just stand there. 

"You know I'll always be here for you, Edward." Her voice is thick and when she pulls away to look at me her eyes are noticeably red rimmed.

This is _exactly_ what I didn't want. 

"Don't shut me out please. We're friends, best friends, and if you're hurting please just tell me."

No one besides Carlisle really ever told me that they were there for me so when the words came from her I couldn't help what I did next. I pulled her tight against me and held on as if my life depended on it. We stood there for a while just hugging one another. Silently I pulled away and grabbed her hand leading her upstairs to my room.

* * *

Later that night my phone dings. When I check it's a text from Isabella. 

**_\- Hi! Can I call you?_ ~_ B _**

_**\- Hey.**_ **I'm**_** not busy. Go for it. ~ E **_

Mere seconds later my phone vibrates in my hand and when I answer I can tell that she's smiling. I know I scared her. It wasn't my intention for anyone to ever find out but I forgot how short the sleeves had gotten on the jacket I was wearing.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Good," I say feeling stupid with nothing else to say. When what feels like an insurmountable silence passes, I hear her exhale and I ready myself.

"I have a question for you."

I cringe a little expecting the worse and blow out a breath.

"Shoot."

Hesitantly she says, "Can I come over later?"

I think about this for a minute... Or two. She took my silence as an answer and I have to quickly tell her that she can come over after eleven. When we hang up, I look around and make quick work to clean up. _Hurricane Edward_, as my father likes to say, was going to have to go bye-bye. When I was satisfied that everything was in its place, I jump in the shower, brush my teeth and dress for bed. My phone stayed permanently glued to my hand once I was ready and at ten past eleven it vibrates. 

"Can you come let me in?" She says with a slight shaky voice as I go to my window and see her.   
  
The moonlight dances across her hair and I _swear_ it looked like a damn halo was over her. I nod giving her a small smile and hang up. When I open my door I listen and hear the faint snores of my father. Quietly going downstairs, making sure to avoid all the creaky ones, I go to the back door and open it letting her in. She smiles shyly tucking hair behind her ear waiting for me as I locked up. 

"I'm sorry to be here so late," she says biting down on her lower lip. 

I shake my head. "Don't be. I'm glad you're here." 

We go upstairs and I close the door making sure to lock it. She sits at the edge of my bed and I take a seat beside her. She's fidgeting with the hem of her shirt and before I know it she's reached out taking hold of my hand.   
What do I do?   
My minds went blank.   
She seems to take notice and without words she stands only to kneel in front of me.   
_What are you doing?_ I silently plead with my eyes.   
She takes my hand, flipping it over and before I can pull away she tentatively lifts the sleeve of my shirt exposing the scarred flesh.   
I panic.   
I feel sweat begin to form on my forehead and all to suddenly it felt stifling in my room. I fidget in place and she looks at me, not with pity, but with love... Or what I can only assume is love. Her fingertips run gently over my skin and I close my eyes swallowing loudly. 

"Edward."

I can faintly hear her whisper.   
When I open my eyes, she’s looking directly at me and I swallow around the lump in my throat.

"Do you know how devastatingly beautiful you are?"

At this I want to laugh.

With a woman that never wanted to be there for me let alone really love me, Bella’s words hit me like ice. I don't know how to take affection like a normal person shound and so I sit there dumbfounded. She moves with precision as she stands and when she sees that I don't object to her gesture she carefully takes a seat on my lap. Cradling my face in her tiny palms, she smiles warmly and leans in kissing my forehead.   
Eyes.   
Cheeks.   
Hand.   
And finally my wrist.   
I suck in a sharp breath and she looks over at me. 

"I just want you to know, Edward. That from here on out I will stand beside you. I will be here for you. But most important of all, I love you. I always have." 

She wraps my arm around her waist and I sit there with tears pricking my eyes. Her arms encircle my neck and quietly before I lose the nerve to, I whisper back, "I love you too, Isabella."   
The rest of the night went by too quickly as we lay in each other's arms but I wouldn't have changed a damn thing about it.


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have journals from long ago and journals from more recent times. In my journals are things that I don't speak about to anyone. The scars that mark my body are for my eyes only and I'll be damned if I let others see them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming along for the ride. It’s been a slow process but I promise that we’ll get there!
> 
> Enjoy!

My name is Isabella Marie Swan. 

His intense gaze has always been my downfall. Green eyes always just a little too sad, devoid of any expression and emotion. 

Where as I had my father, Edward had Carlisle at arms length with Esme usually running in the opposite direction.

My mom, Renée, unfortunately was no longer with us which left Charlie, my dad, with the dual task of both parental roles. I never wanted for anything.   
Affection was in over abundance even if sometimes it turned out strange. 

The Birds and the Bees talk was definitely a strange time...

Come to think of it, so was the one about my monthly **_'friend'_** but I digress.

"Bells?"

"Yeah, dad."

He looks at me with a squinty face. The usual mustache twitch is happening and I can tell he's debating on whether to ask or not. I pace myself.

"How come I never see that Masen boy come around here anymore? Did... is... oh, hell. Are you two okay?"

I laugh a little. Charlie Swan was at a loss for words and I had the immense pleasure of seeing him squirm. 

"Yeah. We're good... It's just with everything going on at home I guess right now is just not a good time."

He winces a little giving a nod.

"I guess you're right."

Most everyone in this tiny town knew of Esme's transgressions and I can only assume that led to Edward distancing himself that much more. We don't talk as much these days but there are times when I catch him looking at me and in those rare occasions when our eyes meet, I melt a little more inside for the sweet boy I seem to have lost. Before she came back into their lives, he was happy. 

He smiled more.

Laughed more.

And was a little closer.

"I've gotta head out but call me if you need me." 

I nod smiling at him, coming out of my thoughts as he grabs his jacket and car keys. When he walks out I close the door behind him and lock it. The thought of Edward comes rushing back and I couldn't help but to smile just thinking about him.

* * *

The next day at school was like any other normal day.

Sort of.

Classes seemed to pass by slower than usual and that made me a little restless. It all came to a head in English class when Edward handed me a paper and I couldn't help but to gasp. He quickly fixed his jacket sleeve and crouched down into his chair. Emmett noticing my face, raises a brow in question but Edward deflects any questioning by changing the subject.

_What was that? _

Panic sets in and for the remainder of class I couldn't help but to chance a few glances his way. He never looked at me and I felt crushed. When the bell rang, I quickly grabbed my backpack and made my way into the hallway.

"Edward!" I yell out.

He pushes further ahead through the sea of people and I hop a little above the crowd just barely catching a glimpse of his copper hair as he makes a beeline to exit the main building.   
Emmett comes out of class, confused at only seeing my presence and I can see that his eyes follow Edward until he’s out of sight through the entrance.   
Poor Emmett looks defeated not knowing what’s going on and I shrug my shoulders smiling gently.

"Is everything okay, Bella? I thought Edward was walking with us."

I don’t answer him and instead dial Edward’s number, putting the phone to my ear. I'm silently praying that he'll answer but of course he doesn't. His voicemail does and I am forced to leave him a message. I do this several more times and each time I am met with the same automated voice saying to leave a voicemail after the beep. At some point he was going to get tired of his phone going off so I didn't let up.

"Did you still want to go to the diner?" Emmett asks while we walk and I shake my head.

"I'm sorry. I know Jasper and Alice will be there. Go ahead without me and I promise I'll make it up to you, Bear."

He grins but it’s not fully there and after we briefly hug, I turn with a determined thought that I would get Edward to talk to me.

* * *

When I reach his house I walk up the driveway, casually looking through the windows, checking to see if I catch any movement. It looks empty from my seeing point but again I'm sure if he was trying to hide from me he would be smart to stay quiet.

_What the hell did I have to lose by knocking? _

I go up to the door, suck in a breath and knock loudly.

….   
  
Nothing.

Silence.

_I don’t think so, Edward Masen!_

"I know you're in there, Edward!"

Nothing but silence yet again.

"You can't ignore me."

_Please, don't do that right now. _

"Come on, Edward. Just open the door."

I listen, hear nothing and then as I feel defeated and am ready to leave...

"What do you want, Isabella?"

I cross my arms like a petulant chid and he looks at me pointedly for an answer. He’s casually leaning against the doorframe and without warning, I push him back inside. Before he can fully react to my actions, I step further inside, shutting the door closed with my hands behind my back. Dropping my backpack onto the floor, I don’t give it a second thought when I reach out and envelope him in a tight hug.

"You know I'll always be here for you, Edward."

My voice is thick. I know that chancing a look at him might be a punch to the gut and cause tears to fall which currently I’m trying my hardest to hold at bay. I know that I might fail once I see those jade eyes but I want him to know that I’m being sincere.

He is my best friend.

The one person that I would flip the world over on its axis for.

"Don't shut me out please.” I whisper. “We're friends, _best friends_, and if you're hurting please just tell me."

I feel a bone weary exhaustion.

I never knew just how deep Edward's pain ran and I felt like the most horrible human being for not knowing about any of this. I'm in turmoil when his next move surprises me. Without so much as a word, he pulls me tight against him and we both hold on to each other like lifelines. We stand there for a while just hugging one another in the foyer of his house. I'm about to say something, now long forgotten, because he suddenly pulls away and grabs my hand leading me upstairs to his room.

* * *

  
My evening consisted of Charlie watching a game and drinking his usual Rainier beer. When that happened I already knew that he would be passed out soon enough in his comfortable chair.

_Trusty old faithful. _

I smile to myself when I see that not long after the recap begins his mouth is officially hanging open, remote and beer on either side of him.

Taking out my phone, I go to Edward's number and text him.

\- _Hi! Can I call you? ~ B _

I worry my lower lip in anticipation and when my phone vibrates I smile in relief.

\- **Hey. I'm not busy. Go for it. ~ E**

Getting up from the sofa I walk upstairs, carefully avoiding the creaking steps, to my room and close the door quietly, locking it behind me. The ringing only happens twice before he answers. I'm smiling and I'm sure that he can tell.

"Hey. How are you?"

"Good," he says with nothing more to elaborate.

It was now or never.

"I have a question for you."

I hear him blow out a long winded breath.

"Shoot."

Hesitantly I ask, "Can I come over later?"

He's silent on the other end and I indignantly take that as my answer. I'm in the midst of apologizing when he quickly tells me that I can come over after eleven. A rush of giddiness floods me and I have to squash the squeal that wants to erupt from within me. When we hang up, I change into more comfortable clothes and shoes. With a grimace, I open my window and carefully climb down the tree that sits in front of it. I still remember the day that Emmett attempted to climb the Behemoth and how he ungracefully landed on his face earning him a few stitches.

Walking towards his home would take me twenty minutes top and it was already closing in on eleven. I pick up my pace just a little and when I finally reach it, I check my phone and see that it is now ten past eleven. 

"Can you come let me in?" I ask when he picks up.

I look up to his window and see him.

The moonlight dances across his features and I couldn't help but to smile as my eyes take him in. He nods giving me a small smile back and we hang up. I stand there in anticipation of being near him but aware that we must be careful. It almost feels like a Shakespeare play where the two lovers are forbidden from seeing one another but they always find their way back to one other. Although, Edward and I aren’t _lovers_… not by a long shot.

When he opens the back door, I cautiously enter not wanting to make a sound. I couldn't help the blush that overtook me and I stand there patiently waiting for him to lock up.

"I'm sorry I'm here this late," I say biting down on my lower lip.

He shakes his head.

"Don't be. I'm glad you're here."

We go upstairs and he closes the door making sure to lock it. I sit nervously at the edge of the bed and he takes a seat beside me. Being nervous leads to me fidgeting with the hem of my shirt and before I can think, I've reached out taking hold of his hand. I couldn't help but be fascinated at the warmth of his hand compared to my suddenly cold and clammy one.

He sat still.

He looked dumbfounded.

No words are spoken and as we sit there in companionable silence, before I lose my nerve, I stand facing him only to kneel down to be at direct eye level.

His eyes look pleading.

He looks at me scared.

I take his hand, flipping it over before he can pull away and very carefully and gently lift the sleeve of his shirt exposing the tell tale bumps. I stare intently at the marred skin.

_Could it really have been that bad that he would do this just to forget the pain for a little while? _

He fidgets in place and I look at him, not with pity, not accusatory but with pure love. He has always been my best friend and if I’m being honest, my first and _only_ crush.

My fingertips run gently over his skin and I see him close his eyes swallowing loudly.

"Edward." I barely whisper aloud.

He slowly opens his green eyes and looks into my chocolate colored ones.

"Do you know how devastatingly beautiful you are?"

He looks at me unconvinced of my confession. An array of emotions flit across his features and I want to kiss away all the doubt that he may be feeling. I know what I will do next and without hesitation I move with precision standing once again but now between his legs. When I see that he doesn't object to my gesture, I carefully sit on his lap. Cradling his handsome face in between my tiny palms, a smile crosses my lips before I lean in kissing his forehead. Next his eyes.   
Thirdly his cheeks.  
Fourth his hand.   
And finally, my one true destination, his wrist. He sucks in a sharp breath and I look over to him. 

"I just want you to know, Edward. That from here on out I will stand beside you. I will be here for you. But most important of all, I love you. I always have." 

With my sudden confession, I feel lighter. 

Taking his arm, I wrap it around my waist and as we both sit in silence, I can see that there are tears threatening to escape from his eyes. My arms encircle his neck and quietly in a whisper, he says back, "I love you too, Bella."

The rest of the evening came and went in what felt like a blur.   
When the first rays of daylight hit, I found myself still tangled in Edward's arms, his warmth and scent surrounding me. I smiled to myself and I knew that step by step we would both get to the healing stage.


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have journals from long ago and journals from more recent times. In my journals are things that I don't speak about to anyone. The scars that mark my body are for my eyes only and I'll be damned if I let others see them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your seats for this short one.
> 
> I’m hoping that I’ll have 4 up as soon as life lets up.
> 
> Don’t hate me and enjoy!

**EPOV**

It's been a little while since anything has happened and it's taken all my strength to not do what I've been so desperately dreaming about.  
It's that nagging voice that never lets up.   
It calls out for me in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and I've taken to listening to my music at dangerously high volumes until my ears are ringing, drowning out the whispers.   
I try to keep my focus on other things.   


School.  


Prom.  


Graduation.   


Work.   


_Bella_ ...   


She seems to be the only thing out there that can bring me back to my senses but than the letter that I received about four days ago seems to always peek at me from across my desk.   
I should've burnt that damn thing when I said I was.   
Esme has sent me a letter expressing mock interest in me when I really know it's only for money. She's not anything if calculating.   
Carlisle is pissed that she would have the gall to reach out to me and I don't blame him. She ran out on this family, she ran out on me and seeing as that she's no longer accepted around here she's trying every little thing possible to wiggle her way back in.   
  
"Son, please just ignore anything she sends you. I don't want you caught up in her crazy shit."   
  
Did my ears just deceive me?   
Did Carlisle Cullen just curse?   
At this I chuckle because he has never been known to curse, no matter what.   
  
"Yep. Sure thing," I say giving him a small smile.   
  
He shakes his head with a soft chuckle, having apparently caught his slip up and I deposit my bowl of now mostly mush cereal into the sink before turning back around with a thoughtful look.   
  
"What is it?"   
  
I look up at him and shake my head. I didn't want to feel like such a child for what I was thinking so instead I change the subject.   
  
"Do you have any ideas how I can ask Bella to prom?"   
  
His eyes light up with the huge smile that crosses his face and I shake my head laughing.

* * *

"Edward!"

  
I turn to her voice.   
_I would always turn to her voice._   
  
"Wait up!"   
  
It's been about two months since she "_found_" out and I swear she's always trying to talk to me. Her questions may cause me to become uncomfortable but if it's what makes her happy I'll let her. I don't know what it was about Bella specifically, or maybe I do, but no matter what I tolerated her everyday mundane chatter.   
  
"Hi," she says with a smile and hugs me.   
  
"Uh, hey," I say chuckling back, nervously hugging her.   
  
"Did you hear about Emmett and Rosalie? He asked her to prom and she said yes! I really didn't expect anything differ..."   
  
"Bella, go to prom with me?" I ask cutting her off. The plan that I had devised with my father earlier in the week was forgotten in the wind and suddenly I feel naked standing in front of her.   
  
She looks down worrying her bottom lip and I knew right there and then that I was too late.   
  
"Or, you know, nevermind. Forget that I asked."   
  
I walk away before she can look at me pitifully and for the rest of the day I skip out of school. I didn't want to see her with her prom date let alone have people tell me who it was.   
I just couldn't handle it.   
  
At around four I hear a banging on the front door and I could care less about who it was.   
Being home alone for hours on end was so fucking liberating that I didn't even have to close my bedroom door.   
I look at the hack job artwork that has become my arm and seeing the blood pool around me enrages me.

_ Why do you have to feel so damn good?! _   
  
**Bang** !   
  
**Bang** !   
  
Fuck. Off! 

That door will not open for you.  
  
Hissing as the blade runs over my skin, I lean my head back against my chair and revel in the feeling of ecstasy.   
  
**Ring**!  
  
**Ring**!  
  
**Ring**!  
  
All the commotion coming from downstairs was really starting to piss me off. I roll over to the window in my desk chair and look down.   
Our eyes meet.   
She has a concerned look and I lift my hand up smashing it up against the window pane, leaving in its wake a bloody handprint.  
  
Oh shit. 

Probably shouldn't have done that.   
Bella looks as if she gasps and I just really couldn't care less at this point.   
My phone now rings and continuously keeps ringing but I don't answer.  
I just want her gone.   
  
Wasn't it enough what happened?   
  
I'm sitting there, lids half closed, music filtering from my stereo through bouts of consciousness, when I feel tiny arms wrap around my neck.   
I smile at the feel of it.   
I smile at how realistically her warmth and vanilla scent surrounds me.  
I want to drown in both and never come back up for air.  
And just before my eyes close completely, I feel soft lips connect with mine as her voice says,  
  
"Edward! Stay with me!"  
  
If this is what impending darkness feels like I welcome it.  
Just fucking take me ...


End file.
